___________________________
A New Comedy Musical
Book and Lyrics
By
Samuel Warren Joseph
Music
By
Jon Detherage
Contact:
S.W. Joseph
Samuelwj1@gmail.com
CASTOF CHARACTERS
BRAD MORTON
- psychologist, intense, broodingwith an edge, in his 30's
SARAH MORTON
- psychologist, sad, pretty, in her 30's.
LEAH LANE
- stripper, 25, with a sharp mind and passionate style.
KAYLA SIZZLE
- stripper, 28-35 Latina, cynical, with a tough, wild persona.
FLOYD RYDER
- 30-40, oozes sleaze , always lookingfor the angle.
OMEIKA CARTER
- 35-55, African-American talk show host, full of charisma and self-
confidence.
There are two basic sets. The first is Floyd's Fabulous Fantasy Club, a STRIP CLUB. There is
a stripper pole center stage right with several tables and chairs for customers. This takes up
little more than two-thirds of the stage. There is a PRIVATE ROOM room in the back with a
couch where the lap dances occur.
The second set is Brad and Sarah's LIVING ROOM. It's tasteful with a couch in the center, and
some chairs. Nice artwork on the walls, antique lamps and furniture show some class and
success.
On the top of the stage is a screen that appears from time to time that serves as a giant television
monitor. In some cases Omeika appears on the screen alone, and other times the television
projects what is occurring on stage. In any case, the illusion of television is evident.
ii.
ACT I, SCENE 1 - FFF CLUB
Signs read, The FFF Club and
underneath, Floyd’s Fabulous
Fantasy Club.
Brad Morton nurses a drink at a
table. He’s the only patron when
Leah Lane begins her routine
dancing around the pole dressed in
her skimpy outfit.
(LEAH)
WATCH ME MOVE
WATCH ME DANCE
LOOK AT ME, YOUR DREAM ROMANCE
DON'T LOOK AWAY
LOOK AT ME
YOU'RE UNDER MY SPELL, SO ENTRANCED
I'M YOUR BITCH
I'M YOUR WHORE
(SPOKEN) I'M NOT… THE GIRL NEXT DOOR
I'M YOUR BABE
I'M YOUR SLAVE
I'M YOURS FOR EVERMORE
CHORUS:
I'LL MAKE YOU SIZZLE
MAKE YOU HOT
MAKE YOU GIVE ME YOUR BEST SHOT
MAKE YOU SIZZLE
MAKE YOU HOT
MAKE YOU CRAZY FOR WHAT I GOT
MUSICAL INTERLUDE as Leah steps
away from the pole and takes Brad
by the hand leading to a couch in a
“private room” on the stage, takes
a wad of cash from him. She rubs
her body up against his, touching
him erotically all over.
(BRAD)
I'M MEANT TO BE
HERE WITH YOU
YOUR TOUCH IS SO INVITING
I AM HERE
AND YOU ARE HERE
OUR BODIES TOGETHER -SO EXCITING
I WANT YOU HERE
I WANT YOU NOW
WE'RE TWO LOVERS SO OBSESSED
WE'RE IN OUR WORLD
TWO OF A KIND
LOST IN A FIRE, SO POSSESSED
(LEAH)
I’LL MAKE YOU SIZZLE
(BRAD)
MAKE YOU HOT
(LEAH)
MAKE YOU GIVE ME YOUR BEST SHOT
(BRAD)
MAKE YOU SIZZLE
(LEAH)
MAKE YOU HOT
MAKE YOU CRAZY FOR WHAT I GOT
(BRAD AND LEAH)
I'LL MAKE YOU SIZZLE
MAKE YOU HOT
MAKE YOU GIVE ME YOUR BEST SHOT
MAKE YOU SIZZLE
MAKE YOU HOT
MAKE YOU CRAZY FOR WHAT I GOT
Brad is about to reach orgasm when
the lights go out.
Off to the side, watching
surreptitiously, is Floyd Ryder.
SCENE 2 - SARAH AND BRAD’S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
Sarah Morton sits on the couch,
pouting, as BRAD ENTERS.
BRAD
You’re still up.
SARAH
You should’ve called.
BRAD
To tell you what?
SARAH
That you’re okay. That you’d be late.
BRAD
I’m surprised you still care.
2.
SARAH
We’re still married.
BRAD
Yes, remarkable, isn’t it?
SARAH
Tomorrow is a big day. You need to get some rest.
BRAD
I’ll be fine. Worry about yourself.
SARAH
I do.
The LIGHTS FADE down, but not
completely out as Brad sits next to
Sarah on the couch.
SCENE 3 - SARAH AND BRAD’S LIVING ROOM - DAY
The LIGHTS COME UP. A GIANT SCREEN
on the back wall serves as a giant
TELEVISION. On the screen, sitting
on a couch in what is clearly a
Television set is Omeika Carter.
Brad and Sarah respond to her
questions with an upbeat, positive
attitude.
OMEIKA
I am delighted to have back on the show Doctors Sarah and
Brad Morton, both P-H-D’s in psychology and noted family
therapists whose fourth book, “Making Marriage Work When
Everything Else Is Broken”, is now number one on the New York
Times best-seller list. Welcome back to the show.
BRAD
Thank you, Omeika.
SARAH
It’s great to be back on.
OMEIKA
Well, I know that millions of my devoted viewers received so
much wisdom and advice from your previous appearances, that
they are just waiting for some new pearls of wisdom.
BRAD
Well, you’re putting us on the spot.
OMEIKA
That’s what they pay me for.
3.
Brad and Sarah chuckle.
SARAH
Well, Omeika, relationships sometimes become torn, and then
need to be repaired. That’s true for love relationships,
friendships, even with your therapist.
BRAD
And of course, there are many approaches to fixing things.
One mode of therapy might not be right for one couple, but
perfect for another. For some, we look at the family history
as a way of determining negative patterns--
SARAH
And sometimes, we focus on what one partner or the other is
doing that might be damaging to the relationship--
BRAD
All the while examining the causes. Relationships are
difficult. We all know that. But sometimes, you find love
where you least expect it.
OMEIKA
Is that what happened with you the two of you?
SARAH
Oh, I think he expected it. I’m not sure if I did.
OMEIKA
Is that what happened, Brad?
BRAD
Gee, I thought it was the other way around.
Brad and Sarah each force a laugh.
OMEIKA
So, it seems like it was unexpected for both of you.
BRAD & SARAH
You can say that again!
They both look at each other,
pained smiles.
OMEIKA
And in turn the unexpected opens up the relationship to
excitement and fun, because you’re not sure what is going to
happen next.
SARAH
That’s right, Omeika. People crave something new--
4.
BRAD
Otherwise, they become incredibly bored--
SARAH
And might do things that threaten the marriage--
OMEIKA
Which is the last thing you’d want to do.
SARAH
Of course.
Silence.
OMEIKA
Brad?
BRAD
Absolutely.
OMEIKA
That’s why you have to keep things interesting, right? How
do you two do it?
SARAH
It’s about accepting the faults of the other person.
BRAD
Even if it is really difficult.
OMEIKA
How difficult is it, to forgive?
The LIGHTS DIM, and a SPOTLIGHT
focuses on Brad and Sarah, as if
they are in their own thoughts.
BRAD and SARAH SING:
(SARAH)
I WANT TO CRY
I WANT TO SCREAM
OUR MARRIAGE IS SUCH A JOKE
(BRAD)
I WANT TO RUN
I WANT TO HIDE
IT'S A CRUEL, CRUEL, CRUEL, CRUEL HOAX
5.
(SARAH)
IT'S THE LITTLE THINGS HE DOES
WELL IT'S THE BIG THINGS TOO
A THOUSAND MOSQUITO BITES
I'M MISERABLE, MISERABLE
(BRAD)
SHE HAS THESE LITTLE HABITS
SHE CHEWS LIKE A RABBIT
(SARAH)
HE THINKS IT'S HIS JOB
TO BE A FULL-TIME SLOB
(BRAD)
SHE CACKLES WHEN SHE LAUGHS
SHE'S REALLY QUITE DAFT
(SARAH)
HE IS SUCH A BORE
AND MY GOD, DOES HE SNORE
(BRAD)
I FEEL TWO FEET TALL
SHE'S SUCH A KNOW IT ALL
(SARAH)
MY HEAD’S GOING TO EXPLODE
MARRIED TO SUCH A TOAD
(BRAD)
I CAN'T BELIEVE I GOT RICH
MARRIED TO SUCH A BITCH
(BOTH; CHORUS)
YOU ASK ME HOW I'M DOING
YOU ASK ME HOW I FEEL
LET ME CLUE YOU IN
MY MARRIAGE AIN'T REAL
(BRAD)
YOU ASK ME HOW IS LIFE
WITH MY LOVELY WIFE
I'M MISERABLE, MISERABLE
(SARAH)
YOU ASK WHERE I STAND
WITH MY WIMPY HUSBAND
I'M MISERABLE, MISERABLE
6.
(BOTH; BRIDGE)
YOU ASK HOW WE FEEL
IT'S LIKE EATING YOUR LAST MEAL
IT SHOULD BE UNDERSTANDABLE
WE'RE SIMPLY MISERABLE
As the song ends, the LIGHTS COME
UP as the INTERVIEW CONTINUES.
OMEIKA (CONT’D)
So, it sounds like you two have found a way to deal with the
issues that may come up.
BRAD
We certainly try.
Silence.
OMEIKA
Sarah?
SARAH
Sometimes you have to try very hard.
OMEIKA
Even for two experts like you.
SARAH
You can say that again.
OMEIKA
But it’s worth the effort, right?
SARAH
Absolutely.
BRAD
No doubt.
OMEIKA
Which is why I am happy to announce that I will producing a
new reality show: Making Marriage Work starring Brad and
Sarah Morton, because in all my years I have never seen a
couple who understand relationships like you two.
SARAH
Thank you, Omeika.
OMEIKA
So, you two better not ever get divorced!
Both Brad and Sarah force a LAUGH
and then a FAKE SMILE.
7.
LIGHTS FADE OUT.
SCENE 4 - FFF CLUB - NIGHT
Brad sits at his usual table and
nurses a drink. Disco type music
quietly plays in the background as
Floyd takes a seat at the table
surprising Brad.
FLOYD
Floyd Ryder. Floyd as in Floyd’s Fabulous Fantasy.
BRAD
Oh, hello. Yes, I’ve seen you here.
Floyd extends his hand. Brad
reluctantly shakes it.
FLOYD
You like Leah, huh? She is amazing - one gorgeous lady.
BRAD
Yes.
FLOYD
So, what’s your name?
BRAD
Does it matter?
FLOYD
Just being friendly. I appreciate repeat business. Repeat
business is how you stay in business. You got to get the new
clientele, no doubt, but I am grateful to the Lord above for
two things; beautiful, sexy, vivacious women, and the men who
love them, and who can’t get enough of them.
BRAD
Given the state of human sexuality, you should be in business
a long time.
FLOYD
Interesting way you phrased that. Like you had a P-H-D or
something.
BRAD
Or something.
FLOYD
Well, I can see you keep to yourself. But I just wanted to
thank you for being a regular and to offer you one on the
house. Ever get a double lap dance?
8.
He motions and Leah and Kayla come
out.
BRAD
I don’t think I have. No, I haven’t.
FLOYD
Well, there’s a first time for everything.
BRAD
I suppose.
FLOYD
Try anything once, right?
BRAD
I don’t think so.
FLOYD
You gotta live a little.
BRAD
I’m doing my best.
FLOYD
Can I give you some advice?
BRAD
If I say no, will you stop.
FLOYD
Come on, a little advice never hurt anybody.
FLOYD, LEAH, and KAYLA sing:
(FLOYD)
COME ONE, COME ALL
I AM HERE TO TALK ABOUT AROUSAL
YOU MUST TAKE IT TO THE MAX
TO REACH A HAPPY CLIMAX
(CHORUS; FLOYD, LEAH, KAYLA)
EVERYBODY'S GOT THEIR ITCH
SOMETHING THEY LIKE TO DO
EVERYBODY'S GOT THEIR NICHE
DO WHAT'S GOOD FOR YOU
9.
(KAYLA)
IT CAN BE FELLATIO, CUNNILINGUS
(FLOYD)
OR JUST THE OLD ONE TWO
(FLOYD, LEAH, KAYLA)
DO WHAT'S GOOD FOR YOU
(LEAH)
SOME PEOPLE LIKE ANAL
(KAYLA)
OTHERS LIKE ORAL TOO
(FLOYD, LEAH, KAYLA)
DO WHAT'S GOOD FOR YOU
(KAYLA)
YOU CAN BE KINKY, LIKE TO BE TIED UP
VIDEO YOURSELF IN CLOSE-UP
(FLOYD)
FOR A NICE GROUP ACTIVITY
YOU CAN HAVE A WILD ORGY
(KAYLA)
MUTUAL MASTURBATION GIVES MUCH PLEASURE
(LEAH)
IT'S LIKE SHAKESPEARE'S MEASURE FOR MEASURE
(FLOYD)
PHONE SEX, BONDAGE AND DOMINATION
IT'S HAPPENING ACROSS OUR GREAT NATION
(LEAH)
DILDOS, WHIPS, LEATHER AND CHAINS
(KAYLA)
DO IT IN THE SUNSHINE, DO IT IN THE RAIN
(LEAH)
SOME PEOPLE LIKE IT ON THE BOTTOM
(FLOYD)
OTHERS ON TOP
(KAYLA)
SIDEWAYS
(LEAH)
UPSIDE DOWN
(FLOYD)
OR BEHIND
(FLOYD, LEAH, KAYLA)
JUST DON'T STOP
(LEAH)
AND SOME PEOPLE JUST LIKE TO WATCH
(FLOYD)
SOMEONE ELSE’S PULSATING CROTCH
10.
(KAYLA)
GAY, STRAIGHT, BI-WHATEVER
(LEAH)
JUST MAKE IT LAST FOREVER AND EVER
(CHORUS; FLOYD, LEAH, KAYLA)
EVERYBODY'S GOT THEIR ITCH
SOMETHING THEY LIKE TO DO
EVERYBODY'S GOT THEIR NICHE
DO WHAT'S GOOD FOR YOU
EVERYBODY'S GOT THEIR ITCH
SOMETHING THEY LIKE TO DO
EVERYBODY'S GOT THEIR NICHE
DO WHAT'S GOOD FOR YOU
ONE MORE TIME
EVERYBODY'S GOT THEIR ITCH
SOMETHING THEY LIKE TO DO
EVERYBODY'S GOT THEIR NICHE
DO WHAT'S GOOD FOR YOU
DO WHAT’S GOOD FOR YOU
DO WHAT’S GOOD FOR YOU
The three of them are all grinning
lasciviously at Brad, who seems a
bit overwhelmed.
FLOYD (CONT’D) (CONT’D)
So, what’s your thing?
BRAD
That’s private.
FLOYD
Well, it’s not completely private, is it? Now, I think you
like watching and titillation, going almost all the way, but
then stopping. Over and over again, until you’re about to
explode, and then...boom! Hiroshima.
BRAD
I guess you have me all figured out.
FLOYD
Well, I know sex, I know girls, and I know men. So, if I’m
right, then I’m right saying that two is better than one.
BRAD
Well, I don’t know.
FLOYD
You like Leah and Kayla here -- just say it’s double the fun,
and you’ll make a nice threesome.
11.
BRAD
(adamant)
No, I appreciate it, but I just want Leah. That’s all.
FLOYD
No problem. It still on the house.
He motions to Kayla to leave. She
shrugs her shoulders.
KAYLA
You’re missing a good time.
BRAD
I’ll take a rain check.
KAYLA
It will rain all right. I’ll get you very wet.
Kayla exits.
Brad and Leah go into the PRIVATE
ROOM.
LEAH
Most guys wouldn’t turn down a deal like that. Floyd must
really like you. It’s not like him to give away anything for
nothing. He’s all about the money.
Leah pushes the button on a boom
box and some disco type music
starts to play and Leah begins her
routine. But he abruptly shuts it
off.
BRAD
No.
LEAH
What’s wrong?
BRAD
I just want to talk. I mean, we do this thing, it’s
intimate, and I don’t know anything about you.
LEAH
I’m whatever you want me to be.
BRAD
I know. And it’s nice. But I think -- I do want -- to know
more about you.
LEAH
For real?
12.
BRAD
Yeah, for real.
LEAH
Okay, but don’t expect a dance, too. You either get the
dance or the conversation.
BRAD
The conversation.
There is an awkward silence.
LEAH
Deal.
BRAD
What’s your name, I mean your real name.
LEAH
Lois, but I always hated that, so I been using Leah since I
was a kid. Read it in some romance novel.
BRAD
So, that’s the name you use out in the real world.
LEAH
This is the real world. Fantasy is real. It’s what keeps
you alive. Besides, I’m not ashamed of what I do. I provide
a service to people who need it.
BRAD
Yes, you do.
LEAH
And your name?
BRAD
Brad.
LEAH
For real?
BRAD
Yes.
LEAH
You married?
BRAD
I’m afraid so.
LEAH
You know, you look familiar.
13.
BRAD
Well, I’ve been coming here for --
LEAH
Like I’ve seen you somewhere else.
BRAD
I have one of those faces.
LEAH
No, you don’t. No, I know you from somewhere. What do you
do?
BRAD
I’m a psychologist.
LEAH
(excited)
No kidding? That’s what I want to do. I’m taking advanced
psych at Valley Junior College. Are you a therapist?
BRAD
Family and marriage counseling.
LEAH
Oh.
BRAD
A bit ironic, huh?
LEAH
Have you tried to figure out what is going on in your own
marriage?
BRAD
Oh, yeah.
LEAH
And...
BRAD
It’s not working.
LEAH
Relationships are hard. I know that’s cliché, but it’s true.
So, what’s in me that’ll float your boat? I know I’m sexy,
but, maybe that will change now that we talked.
BRAD
I don’t think so. No, you see -- I’ll tell you how I feel.
14.
NOTE: As Brad and Leah sing, and
realize that they have a lot in
common, the more visibly attracted
they are to one another.
BRAD and LEAH sing:
(BRAD)
I'M FEELING PSYCHO
AND A LITTLE BIT SEXUAL
A LITTLE MACHO
FOR AN INTELLECTUAL
I FEEL AGLOW
FOR SOMETHING CONSENSUAL
NOT FAST, NOT SLOW
JUST NICE AND SENSUAL
PSYCHOSEXUAL IS HOW I FEEL
PSYCHOSEXUAL, IT’S SO UNREAL
THE EMOTIONS YOU HAVE INSIDE
IT’S A ROLLER COASTER RIDE
(LEAH)
WHEN YOU’RE RULED BY YOUR RESTRICTIONS
YOU’LL NEVER LOSE YOUR INHIBITIONS
YOUR LIBIDO IS SO SURREAL
SPINNING LIKE A FERRIS WHEEL
(BRAD)
I KNOW YOU KNOW
THIS IS NOT A RITUAL
BUT YOU HAVE THIS GLOW
IT BECOMES HABITUAL
I WANT US TO FLOW
TO BE INSTINCTUAL
LET OUR LOVE GROW
YOU KNOW IT’S MUTUAL
PSYCHOSEXUAL IS HOW I FEEL
PSYCHOSEXUAL, IT’S SO UNREAL
THE EMOTIONS YOU HAVE INSIDE
IT’S A ROLLER COASTER RIDE
(LEAH)
YOU’RE IN A BAD WAY
WHEN RULED BY YOUR INHIBITIONS
YOU’RE IN A BAD WAY
WHEN RULED BY YOUR OBSESSIONS
15.
(LEAH)
PSYCHOSEXUAL IS THE TERM THAT FREUD ADMIRED
BECAUSE IT REVEALS HOW WE’RE HARD-WIRED
YOUR LIBIDO AND DESIRES UNDERSCORE
EVERYTHING YOU ARE TO THE CORE
THE ORAL STAGE IS WHEN YOU’RE A BABE
AND YOU’RE FIXATED ON YOUR MOUTH
YOUR MOTHER’S BREAST IS THE BEST
SOMETHING YOU CAN’T DO WITHOUT
(BRAD)
LITTLE CHILDREN, ONE TO THREE
OBSESSED WITH KA-KA AND PEE-PEE
POTTY TRAINING IS THE GOAL
FRAGILE EGOS AS THEY LEARN TO GO
(LEAH)
KIDS THREE TO SIX FOCUS ON THEIR PRIVATE
PARTS
"BOYS" SAID FREUD, HAD THE PHALLIC STAGE
(BRAD)
"GIRLS" SAID JUNG, HAD THE ELECTRA COMPLEX
(BRAD AND LEAH)
THAT’S WHY PLAYING DOCTOR BECOMES THE RAGE
(BRAD)
SIX TO TWELVE WITH THE CHANGES COMING
(BRAD AND LEAH)
BOYS AND GIRLS’ HORMONES ARE HUMMING
(BRAD) (FRUSTRATED)
LATENCY IS THE PHRASE FOR HAVING TO WAIT
(LEAH) (SUGGESTIVELY)
TO FIND OUT WHAT IS SUPPOSED TO BE SO GREAT
(LEAH)
AND FINALLY THERE’S THE GENITAL STAGE
(BRAD)
OR THE PLACE YOU GET TO WHEN YOU COME OF
AGE
(BRAD AND LEAH)
FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE YOU REALLY LEARN
THAT WITH SEX AND LOVE YOU CAN CRASH AND
BURN
(BRAD AND LEAH)
PSYCHOSEXUAL, CAN LEAVE A SCAR
PSYCHOSEXUAL IS ALL WE ARE
THE FEELINGS THAT YOU HAVE TO HIDE
MAKE YOU ACT LIKE JEKYLL AND HYDE
16.
PSYCHOSEXUAL IS HOW I FEEL
PSYCHOSEXUAL, IT’S SO UNREAL
THE EMOTIONS YOU HAVE INSIDE
IT’S A ROLLER COASTER RIDE
PSYCHO-SEXUAL!
Brad and Leah embrace and kiss
passionately.
Lights come up slightly to reveal
Floyd recording the whole
interaction on his camera.
LIGHTS FADE OUT.
SCENE 5 - FFF CLUB - DAY
LIGHTS UP. On the Television
Screen we see a series of pictures
of Brad and Leah kissing. Floyd
clicks on the computer mouse and
the pictures change.
Leah ENTERS and sees what is on the
TV. Floyd sees her there, shuts
off the computer.
LEAH
What is that?
FLOYD
Some pictures.
LEAH
I see that.
FLOYD
Don’t worry about it.
LEAH
I am worried about it. What are you planning to do with
them?
FLOYD
Nothing.
LEAH
Then why did you take them?
FLOYD
None of your business.
17.
LEAH
I’m in them. It is my business.
FLOYD
Do you know who that guy is?
LEAH
Brad? He’s a guy who comes in. He says he’s some sort of
therapist.
FLOYD
Some sort? Look at this.
He pulls out a book, hands it to
Leah.
LEAH
(reads)
Making Marriage Work When Everything Else Is Broken.
FLOYD
That’s our boy.
LEAH
And his wife.
FLOYD
Exactly.
LEAH
The pictures.
FLOYD
You make a lot of money off a best seller.
LEAH
Yeah.
FLOYD
I believe in sharing the wealth.
LEAH
You’re going to use them for blackmail?
FLOYD
I’m just requesting a donation for a worthy cause.
LEAH
What worthy cause?
FLOYD
Me. There’s nobody more worthy than I am.
18.
LEAH
This is illegal. I won’t be a party to--
Floyd grabs Leah hard - dangerous
and threatening.
FLOYD
You’ll be a party - if I want you to party. And this is my
party, and nobody is going to screw it up.
LEAH
Floyd, where do you come off doing something like this?!
Floyd releases Leah, tries to
soften his approach.
FLOYD
There’s no reason for you and I to get into it. It’s the way
life works as long as you understand what the real world is
like.
FLOYD SINGS:
WHEN YOU HAVE A DREAM
THAT FADES AWAY
ALL YOU SEE
ARE LONELY DAYS
WHEN YOU HAVE A HOPE
THAT WAVES GOODBYE
ALL YOU SEE
ARE THE TRUTH AND LIES
YOU GOTTA HAVE THE MONEY
YOU GOTTA HAVE YOUR STASH
THE ONLY THING THEY RESPECT
IS COLD HARD CASH
WHEN YOU HAVE TO FIGHT
TO GET WHAT'S YOURS
ALL YOU KNOW
IS TO ENDURE
WHEN YOU HAVE A PLAN
THAT NEEDS A HAND
ALL YOU KNOW
IS TO GET TEN GRAND
YOU GOTTA HAVE THE MONEY
YOU GOTTA HAVE YOUR STASH
THE ONLY THING THEY RESPECT
IS COLD HARD CASH
19.
YOU CAN HAVE YOUR MORALITY
FILLED WITH SENTIMENTALITY
YOU CAN HAVE YOUR PRINCIPLES
ALONG WITH YOUR COLLECTIBLES
YOU CAN BUY YOUR LOVE
YOU CAN BUY YOUR FRIENDS
BUY ABSOLUTION
FOR YOUR SINS
YOU CAN BUY SOME TIME
YOU CAN BUY GOOD LUCK
ALL IT TAKES IS A
FISTFUL OF BUCKS
YOU GOTTA HAVE THE MONEY
YOU GOTTA HAVE YOUR STASH
THE ONLY THING THEY RESPECT
IS COLD HARD CASH
YOU CAN HAVE YOUR MORALITY
FILLED WITH SENTIMENTALITY
YOU CAN HAVE YOUR PRINCIPLES
ALONG WITH YOUR COLLECTIBLES
YOU GOTTA HAVE THE MONEY
YOU GOTTA HAVE YOUR STASH
THE ONLY THING THEY RESPECT
IS COLD HARD CASH
YOU GOTTA HAVE THE MONEY
YOU GOTTA HAVE YOUR STASH
THE ONLY THING THEY RESPECT
IS COLD HARD CASH
LEAH
You know that’s very sad. Really, Floyd.
FLOYD
I don’t need sympathy. I just need money.
SCENE 6 - SARAH AND BRAD’S LIVING ROOM - DAY
Brad and Sarah are in the middle of
a heated argument, both standing.
SARAH
It’s ridiculous to think we can do this.
BRAD
It’s a lot of money.
20.
SARAH
We have a lot of money.
BRAD
It’s a reality show. We’re talking millions. Think of the
Kardashians. And they don't have any talent. We would be at
least helping people.
SARAH
(Trying to convince herself)
That’s true.
BRAD
Look, we’ve been faking it for a long time. We can fake it a
little longer.
SARAH
I just don’t know if I can continue like this, not with this
kind of scrutiny, the whole country watching us.
BRAD
Fine. Let’s get a divorce now. You’re the one Omeika loves.
You tell her. Everything we worked for, down the drain. And
see how anybody takes you seriously on your own. Listen,
it’s Abbott and Costello, Laurel and Hardy, Brad and Sarah.
SARAH
Yeah, a real joke.
BRAD
And one didn’t work without the other.
SARAH
What about love?
BRAD
What about it? You can love anyone you want. But in public,
just pretend it’s me.
SARAH
Is that what you want? You want somebody else?
BRAD
Don’t you?
SARAH
I don’t know.
BRAD
Well, I do.
SARAH
That’s great. Yes, all the signs of an affair in our book.
Stays out late, is distant, argumentative, no sex.
21.
BRAD
And whose fault is that?
SARAH
I should have known. How long has it been going on?
BRAD
Nothing is going on.
SARAH
Right.
BRAD
But it might. And that shouldn’t affect anything.
SARAH
It affects everything.
BRAD
Then you tell Omeika.
SARAH
(remembers)
The airport!
Brad looks at his watch, realizes.
BRAD
Damn. Don’t want to be late for her highness.
Brad rushes out of the house.
Sarah peers out the window as the
we hear the SOUND OF A CAR STARTING
and LEAVING. She is melancholy,
profoundly sad.
SARAH SINGS:
THERE WAS A TIME
YOU WERE MY PRINCE CHARMING
I WAS YOUR GUINEVERE
THERE WAS A TIME
THERE WAS A TIME
YOU WERE SO DISARMING
I NEVER FELT FEAR
THERE WAS A TIME
22.
(CHORUS)
TIME CHANGES EVERYTHING
NEVER HEALS OLD WOUNDS
TIME BURIES THE SADNESS
LEAVING YOUR LIFE IN RUINS
THERE WAS A TIME
YOU FOUND IT ALARMING
WHEN I WASN’T NEAR
THERE WAS A TIME
THERE WAS A TIME
YOU WERE SO ADMIRING
I CALLED YOU DEAR
THERE WAS A TIME
(BRIDGE)
ONCE WE SHARED OUR HEARTS
WE HAD SO MUCH TO GIVE
NOW WE’VE BROKEN APART
THIS IS NO WAY TO LIVE
(CHORUS)
TIME CHANGES EVERYTHING
NOTHING FOREVER LASTS
TIME BURIES THE SADNESS
LOST MEMORIES OF THE PAST
THERE WAS A TIME
THERE WAS A TIME
THERE WAS A TIME
Sarah takes a tissue and dabs her
wet, sad eyes. BLACK OUT.
SCENE 6 - SARAH AND BRAD’S LIVING ROOM - DAY
It is a little later, and Sarah has
had a quick change of clothes in
preparation for Omeika’s arrival.
There is KNOCK on the door
surprising her. She peers out the
window.
SARAH
Who is it?
Floyd answers from behind the door.
FLOYD
Can I speak to Dr. Morton.
23.
SARAH
Who is it?
FLOYD
A friend.
SARAH
Was he expecting you?
FLOYD
Nope.
SARAH
What’s your name?
FLOYD
Floyd.
SARAH
Floyd who?
FLOYD
Just Floyd.
SARAH
You’ll have to come back later.
FLOYD
No, I’ll wait.
SARAH
Look, if you don’t leave, I’m going to call the police.
Several BEATS.
FLOYD
Do you want to know where you husband goes almost every
night?
Sarah thinks for a moment, takes a
deep breath, and decides to open
the door. Floyd flashes a wide
grin, ENTERS, extends his hand,
which Sarah reluctantly shakes.
Floyd is also holding a large
manila envelope with some contents
inside.
FLOYD (CONT’D)
Nice meeting you.
SARAH
I’m not sure about that. Who are you?
24.
FLOYD
I am the owner, chief cook and bottle washer of The FFF Club.
SARAH
And what kind of club is that?
FLOYD
Floyd’s Fabulous Fantasy Club. It’s not exclusive, if that’s
what you’re wondering. No discrimination of any kind. We
cater to whites, blacks, yellows, natives, lesbians, gays, in
the middle, you name it. The only color I like though is
green, if you know what I mean.
SARAH
And my husband is a member of your club?
FLOYD
You could say that.
SARAH
And what does he do there?
FLOYD
He practices sex therapy.
SARAH
He’s not a sex therapist.
FLOYD
You could’ve fooled me.
Floyd pulls out some photographs
from the envelope. They show Brad
and Leah together.
SARAH
Oh, my. I can’t believe it.
FLOYD
Believe it. There’s some more on the disc inside.
She examines some more photos and
holds up the disc.
SARAH
I guess my husband and I need to have a conversation.
FLOYD
Oh, I’m sure you will.
SARAH
And you took these pictures because...?
25.
FLOYD
Well, I just thought that in this day and age, honesty is the
best policy.
SARAH
Okay.
FLOYD
And your husband hasn’t been honest with you.
SARAH
Yeah.
FLOYD
So, I figure I should get a reward.
SARAH
For what?
FLOYD
For not putting these things on the internet.
SARAH
There’s a word for that.
FLOYD
Gratitude?
SARAH
Not the word I was thinking.
The SOUND of a CAR pulling up,
shutting off and people getting
out. Sarah scrambles to put the
pictures and disc back in the
envelope, and lays it on the table
just as BRAD and OMEIKA ENTER
LAUGHING and with energy. Omeika
grabs Sarah in practically a bear
hug.
OMEIKA
There’s my girl. My favorite therapist.
BRAD
I told you she liked you better.
OMEIKA
Now Brad, no jealousy.
At this moment they all become
aware of Floyd standing to the
side. Brad is clearly not happy.
26.
SARAH
Uh, Omeika, this is Brad’s friend...Floyd.
OMEIKA
Well, very nice to meet you Floyd. I’m Omeika.
FLOYD
Of course! I know who you are! It’s an honor. I love your
show. Watch it almost every day, and when I don’t, I make
sure I record it. I like recording stuff.
SARAH
Yes, it’s Floyd’s hobby. That and photography.
BRAD
It is? I mean, yes it is.
FLOYD
You left your envelope at the club.
He points to the manila envelope on
the table.
BRAD
(befuddled, concerned)
Oh, yeah, thanks... and thanks for stopping by, Floyd.
But Floyd is not budging -
addresses Omeika.
FLOYD
You know what was a great show - the one about people who
sleep with their pets and how it affected their sex lives.
OMEIKA
Yes.
FLOYD
And the guy thought he was kissing his wife when he was
kissing his dog. Now, maybe his wife was a dog. But he
should’ve known, don’t you think?!
(LAUGHS LOUDLY)
OMEIKA
Yes, I always think it’s a good idea to know the difference
between your wife and your dog.
FLOYD
And the one where the guy was dating that beautiful girl, and
she kept on saying that she wanted to be married before she
lost her virginity, but she turned out to be a man, which he
found out on the wedding night. Boy, I would have loved to
seen the look on his face.
27.
OMEIKA
Actually that person was a hermaphrodite named Leslie who had
both sex organs.
FLOYD
Listen, if you’re expecting something -- diagonal, and then
you end up with something protruding, well, it doesn’t matter
what else is there.
OMEIKA
But they ended up staying together anyway, which only goes to
show--
FLOYD
That some people make strange bedfellows.
OMEIKA
I’ll agree with that.
FLOYD
But you know what my favorite one was?
OMEIKA
I haven’t a clue.
FLOYD
It was called, “Sex Addicts Most Addictive Addictions.” You
remember that one?
OMEIKA
I’m sensing a theme here.
FLOYD
That guy who liked to put leeches on his dong so it’d start
bleeding, and then he tied the string around it and--
OMEIKA
Yes, I recall.
FLOYD
I tried that. It hurts.
OMEIKA
I would imagine.
FLOYD
But I like to experiment, so try anything once, right?
OMEIKA
There’s some things I wouldn’t try. You won’t catch me
bungee jumping.
28.
FLOYD
Well, I just think you got be a daredevil in life, or life
ain’t worth living.
OMEIKA
An interesting philosophy.
BRAD
Floyd, thank you again for stopping by.
Brad almost forcefully pushes Floyd
out the door.
OMEIKA
Nice meeting you.
FLOYD
My pleasure. And I’m going to keep on watching everyday.
I’m your biggest fan.
FLOYD EXITS, the door closing
behind him.
SARAH
You know, he sort of reminds me of my father.
Brad and Omeika give her a “look”.
OMEIKA
How’s that?
SARAH
Well, he was sort of an outrageous character, very
charming...
OMEIKA
You think he’s charming?
SARAH
In a bad boy sort of way.
BRAD
You’re father ended up in jail for embezzlement.
SARAH
That was all a misunderstanding.
OMEIKA
Well, you have some interesting friends, Brad. I would never
have guessed--
BRAD
He’s a -- someone I just met recently. We’re not close--
29.
OMEIKA
Listen, different strokes for different folks.
SARAH
Variety is the spice of life.
OMEIKA
You have to take chances.
SARAH
(referring to Brad)
But not unnecessary risks.
OMEIKA
And that’s the question. I’m taking a big risk on you two
with this show that I just announced to the world. There’s
nothing I should worry about, is there?
Brad and Sarah look at each other,
hesitating just momentarily before
they respond.
BRAD
Absolutely not.
OMEIKA
Sarah?
Sarah hesitates, looks at Brad.
SARAH
Brad and I are very excited about this opportunity.
OMEIKA
Do I sense some doubt?
SARAH
Just the usual, you know, nervousness.
OMEIKA
Listen, I know a show about the relationship of relationship
experts is a sure winner. You will be doing this country,
the world a service. You will be making a difference in so
many lives. Look, this is something I know very well.
OMEIKA SINGS:
I'M THE QUEEN OF TV
THE ONE ON THE LINE
THE WOMAN GOD HAS CHOSEN
THE DIVA OF DIVINE
30.
I SAY THE WORLD IS ROTTEN
PERHAPS BY GRAND DESIGN
SEE ME TO THE RESCUE
THE DIVA OF DIVINE
(Bridge)
INFIDELITY, CHILD ABUSE, PORNOGRAPHY, DRUGS
AND BOOZE
A FEW OF THE MANY WAYS THAT LONELY PEOPLE
LOSE
ENDING POLLUTION, RACISM, AND CRIME
LORD IT TAKES UP ALL MY PRECIOUS TIME
(Chorus)
I'M THE DIVA OF DIVINE
I FEEL THE WORLD'S WEIGHT
HERE COMES THE DIVA OF DIVINE
BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE
MOSES, JESUS AND BUDDHA
THEY BUILT THEM A SHRINE
IT'S TIME FOR A WOMAN
I'M THE DIVA OF DIVINE
I'M THE QUEEN OF MEDIA
ALL I TOUCH IS MINE
YOUR INFORMATION SAVIOR
THE DIVA OF DIVINE
MANKIND HAS DONE ITS BEST
TO SEND US IN DECLINE
A BLOODY AWFUL MESS
FOR THE DIVA OF DIVINE
(Second Bridge)
SAVING THE WORLD IS A BIG ENTERPRISE
FOR THE WORLD IS FULL OF TRUTH AND FULL OF
LIES
LISTEN TO WHAT I SAY AND LOOK AT WHAT I DO
THE ANSWER MY FRIENDS LIES DEEP INSIDE OF
YOU
(Chorus)
I'M THE DIVA OF DIVINE
I FEEL THE WORLD'S WEIGHT
HERE COMES THE DIVA OF DIVINE
BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE
MOSES, JESUS AND BUDDHA
THEY BUILT THEM A SHRINE
IT'S TIME FOR THE WOMAN
I'M THE DIVA OF DIVINE
31.
MOSES, JESUS AND BUDDHA
THEY BUILT THEM A SHRINE
IT'S TIME FOR A WOMAN
I'M THE DIVA OF DIVINE
Omeika wears a self-satisfied
smile.
OMEIKA (CONT’D)
So, I know.
SARAH
Yes, but there are things you don’t know, things that might
change your mind, and you have to know before you take the
risk -- before we all do.
Sarah goes over and opens the
manila envelope and pulls out the
photos, hands them to Omeika. The
two of them stand next to each
other looking at them one by one,
but after each picture they look up
at Brad and/or react with dialogue.
He has no idea what they’re looking
at, but it’s clearly not good and
he gets more and more uncomfortable
as the scene goes on. The Audience
sees the pictures on the large
screen above.
OMEIKA
Oh, my.
SARAH
Quite something.
OMEIKA
Quite.
SARAH
A picture is worth a thousand words.
OMEIKA
A million in the digital age.
SARAH
Imagine that on the internet.
OMEIKA
I certainly can.
SARAH
Not quite what you were expecting.
32.
OMEIKA
No, I wasn’t. But not completely surprised.
SARAH
No?
OMEIKA
Boys will be boys.
BRAD
What, what are you looking at?
OMEIKA
You.
BRAD
Me.
Sarah pulls the DVD out of the
manila envelope.
OMEIKA
And there’s a DVD?
SARAH
Apparently.
OMEIKA
Let’s take a look.
Sarah pops the DVD in the computer.
Brad peers at the images as they
talk and sing. Note: On the video
screen, we see various risque’
photos of Brad and Leah, some quite
humorous.
SARAH
Yes, let’s.
Brad now realizes what they’re
looking it at, and needless to say
is quite embarrassed.
BRAD, SARAH and OMEIKA SING:
(BRAD)
I KNOW THAT FELLOW ON THE DVD
LOOKS A WHOLE LOT LIKE ME
BUT LET ME JUST ABSOLUTELY SAY
I CAN EXPLAIN ALL THIS AWAY
33.
(BRAD)
OKAY, YOU SEE WHAT YOU SEE
AND IT'S HARD TO DISAGREE
ALL THIS LOOKS REALLY REALLY BAD
I LOOK LIKE SUCH A CAD
(BRAD)
SO, SOMETIMES YOU DO SOME THINGS
BUT IT'S NOT LIKE IT'S A REAL FLING
A GUY JUST LIKES TO FANTASIZE
IT GIVES HIM A LITTLE, UH, RISE
(SARAH)
OH, BRAD, WILL YOU STOP IT PLEASE
YOU'RE LIKE A DIRTY SOCIAL DISEASE
I KNEW YOU WERE FOOLING AROUND
HOW I COULD BE WITH SUCH A CLOWN
(BRAD)
LOOK, I KNOW THIS ALL LOOKS X-RATED
BUT NOTHING WAS EVER CONSUMMATED
(SARAH)
I'M SURE THAT'S PROBABLY TRUE
YOU'RE NEVER ONE TO FOLLOW THROUGH
(BRAD)
WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN
YOU'RE ONE TO TALK, MISS ICE QUEEN
(SARAH)
DON'T GO THERE MISTER
YOU TREAT ME LIKE YOUR SISTER
(BRAD)
AND I DON'T LIKE HER EITHER
(OMEIKA)
YOU BOTH NEED TO TAKE A BREATHER!
(SILENCE)
(Chorus; EVERYONE)
WE'VE GOT A PROBLEM
A DANGEROUS CHAIN REACTION
WE'VE GOT A PROBLEM
CAUSED BY SEXUAL ATTRACTION
WE'VE GOT A PROBLEM
NEED A STRONG REACTION
IT’S TIME TO TAKE SOME ACTION
(OMEIKA)
SEEMS THAT YOU TWO HAVE A STICKY SITUATION
THAT COULD DAMAGE MY PERFECT REPUTATION
I DON'T LIKE SUDDEN SURPRISES
TOO MANY PROBLEMS IN TOO MANY SIZES
34.
(BRAD)
I'M SO SORRY OMEIKA
I'LL DEAL WITH THIS FELLOW FLOYD
(OMEIKA)
DON'T YOU SORRY ME, OMEIKA
I’M QUITE ANNOYED
IT’S CLEAR THAT THIS IS BLACKMAIL
FLOYD THINKS YOU’RE A FOOL
EASY TO NAIL
AN EASY MARK FOR THAT SLIMY SHARK
BUT I'VE SEEN THOSE KIND COME AND GO
GROWING UP IN THE GHETTO, YOU GET TO KNOW
WHO'S A WANNABE
AND WHO'S GOING TO BE
SO I SAY, TAKE THIS BULLY BY THE HORN
THIS PEDDLER OF LIVE ACTION PORN
HE’LL GO DOWN LIKE A BOWLING PIN
WE'LL GIVE HIM HIS OWN MEDICINE
(Chorus: EVERYONE)
WE'VE GOT A PROBLEM
A DANGEROUS CHAIN REACTION
WE'VE GOT A PROBLEM
CAUSED BY SEXUAL ATTRACTION
WE'VE GOT A PROBLEM
IT’S TIME TO TAKE SOME ACTION
WE'VE GOT A PROBLEM
THAT SEEMS QUITE EXTREME
WE'VE GOT A PROBLEM
THAT COULD SHATTER OUR DREAM
WE'VE GOT A PROBLEM
WE NEED OUR OWN SCHEME
WE'VE GOT A PROBLEM
WE NEED OUR OWN SCHEME
OMEIKA
I have tens of millions of viewers, hundreds of millions of
dollars, a media empire based on my word and my taste, and I
have given my viewers my word that you both are the
relationship gurus. So, I will not put that at risk--
BRAD
Of course--
OMEIKA
For a philanderer--
35.
SARAH
You’re right--
OMEIKA
And his pitiful wife.
(BEAT; then thinks out loud)
Yet, redemption and forgiveness is the basis of humanity --
and makes the best TV. These photos could destroy you,
or...if we’re smart, could be the thing that makes you. But
we have to be careful. There is a lot at stake, for all of
us.
SARAH
I don’t understand.
OMEIKA
You don’t need to. That’s my department.
(Thinks for moment)
Did you ever hear the expression, “fight fire with fire”?
Well, we’re going to fight fire with a live wire...ME!
END OF ACT I
36.
ACT II, SCENE 1 - FFF CLUB
Brad sits at one table on one side
of the stage, while Sarah and
Omeika sit at a table on the
opposite side. The two women are
wearing wigs and sunglasses to
disguise themselves. They look
kind of silly. Music is playing,
but there is no dancer at the
moment.
Omeika whispers to Sarah.
OMEIKA
Make sure you record their whole conversation. Pretend
you’re texting while you’re doing it.
Sarah nods.
Floyd voice comes over the
loudspeaker system.
FLOYD (OFFSTAGE)
And now for a saucy salsa Latina, the vivacious vixen from
Cuba, Kayla Sizzle!
KAYLA SINGS while doing her
seductive pole dancing act.
HEY MISTER, I KNOW YOU GOT THE HOTS
FOR SOME OF MY SEXY SHOTS
YOU KNOW YOU WANT ME
THOUGH YOU'LL NEVER OWN ME
I'M YOUR HOT TAMALE
CONFESS TO ME YOU'VE GOT THE NEED
I'M THE HABIT YOU'RE COMPELLED TO FEED
IF YOU GOT THE MONEY
I'LL PLAY YOUR HONEY
I'M YOU'RE HOT TAMALE
(Chorus:)
THEY SAY THAT LATIN LOVERS ARE BURSTING
WITH PASSION
SO FULL OF DESIRE AND TOTAL ABANDON
I'M YOUR ACTRESS PLAYING A ROLE
SAVING MY PASSION FOR THE ONE WHO FILLS MY
SOUL
37.
(Bridge:)
GIVE ME A CHANCE
FOR TRUE ROMANCE
AND A LOVE WHO IS REAL
ALL I WANT IN LIFE
IS TO BE A LOVING WIFE
FOR THE ONE REAL DEAL
YEAH I’M HOT -- YOU’RE HOT
THEY SAY THAT LATIN LOVERS ARE BURSTING
WITH PASSION
SO FULL OF DESIRE AND TOTAL ABANDON
I'M YOUR ACTRESS PLAYING A ROLE
SAVING MY PASSION FOR THE ONE WHO FILLS MY
SOUL
SAY LADY, YOU'RE LOOKING MIGHTY FINE
JUST IMAGINE IF YOU WERE MINE
IT'S EASY TO SEE
THAT YOU WANT ME
I'M YOUR HOT TAMALE
THEY SAY LOVE COMES IN MANY COLORS
FOR ALL SISTERS AND BROTHERS
COS I'M SO COLORBLIND
JUST MAKE UP YOUR MIND
I'M YOUR HOT TAMALE
SO HOT, SO HOT
As the song progresses, Kayla moves
first to Brad, but then focusses on
Sarah and Omeika, particularly
Omeika, in her erotic dance.
Omeika is clearly getting turned on
by Kayla.
Meanwhile, as Kayla focusses on
Omeika, Floyd comes over and has a
brief conversation with Brad, which
Sarah records with her cell phone.
Floyd clearly seems to say that he
and Brad should talk later.
When the song ends, Kayla plops
herself in Omeika’s lap, and then
seductively touches her face as she
leaves.
38.
Brad and Floyd don’t notice as they
are still talking, but Sarah does,
as does Leah (from the side) who is
watching everything that is going
on.
LIGHTS FADE OUT.
SCENE 2 - FFF CLUB
LIGHTS QUICKLY UP. It is LATER
THAT EVENING. Brad is now at the
table with Sarah and Omeika. Music
plays in the background, but no one
is dancing.
OMEIKA
All right, Brad. It’s like we discussed. You have to get him
to say clearly that he wants money in exchange for silence.
Very clearly. Once you get that recorded -- then, well, two
can play at this game.
BRAD
All right. I’ll do my best.
OMEIKA
You created this mess.
BRAD
I know.
OMEIKA
(To Sarah)
Let’s take a walk.
(To Brad)
Go find Floyd.
OMEIKA and SARAH EXIT. Brad moves
around the stage looking for Floyd
when LEAH ENTERS. They are alone.
A few beats as they look at each
other with both affection and
suspicion.
BRAD
Hi
LEAH
Hi.
BRAD
Listen, I was looking for Floyd.
39.
LEAH
I thought you’d be looking for me.
BRAD
Normally, I would be.
LEAH
But this isn’t normally.
BRAD
Right. Business.
LEAH
What kind of business?
BRAD
Personal.
He starts to move away from her.
LEAH
I know what he’s doing.
BRAD
What do you mean?
LEAH
I saw the pictures. You have to believe me. I’m not a part
of this. I’ll go to the police if you want me to.
BRAD
Why would you do that?
LEAH
Because it’s wrong.
BRAD
Yeah, you’ve got that right.
LEAH
You think I’m part of this?
BRAD
Aren’t you?
LEAH
You know...you know I started to actually believe--
BRAD
So did I.
LEAH
But you don’t know.
40.
BRAD
I see what I see. I see myself as a fool, and you as a liar.
LEAH
You’re wrong. You’re wrong.
BRAD
And how do I know?
LEAH
You don’t -- you can’t. You can’t because...
BRAD
Because why?
LEAH AND BRAD SING:
(LEAH)
LOOK AT ME - YOU SEE A VISION
OF YOUR MADONNA/WHORE
YOU LOOK AT ME WITH DERISION
YET ALL YOU WANT IS MORE
YOU SEE EYES FULL OF DESIRE
PERFECTION TO THE CORE
I'M ONLY A GIRL FOR HIRE
NEVER BE ANYTHING MORE
(Chorus - LEAH)
YOU, YOU DON'T KNOW ME
WHAT I REALLY FEEL
YOU, YOU DON'T KNOW ME
WHAT IS TRULY REAL
YOU, YOU DON'T SEE ME
IN THE BRIGHT SUNSHINE
NO YOU, YOU DON'T KNOW ME
OR THIS HEART OF MINE
(BRAD)
YOU SAY I SHOULD BELIEVE YOU
TRUST YOU TO THE CORE
YOU SAY I SHOULD ACCEPT YOU
THROUGH MY OPEN DOOR
TRUSTING IS THE HARDEST THING
TO DO IN YOUR LIFE
BETRAYAL BRINGS GUILT AND PAIN
SLASHING LIKE A KNIFE
41.
(Chorus - BRAD and LEAH)
YOU, YOU DON'T KNOW ME
WHAT I REALLY FEEL
YOU, YOU DON'T KNOW ME
WHAT IS TRULY REAL
YOU, YOU DON'T SEE ME
IN THE BRIGHT SUNSHINE
YOU, YOU DON'T KNOW ME
OR THIS HEART OF MINE
(Bridge - LEAH)
YOU THINK YOU TRULY CARE
YOU SEEM QUITE ENTHRALLED
YOU CAN'T CARE FOR WHO YOU DON'T KNOW
I CAN'T BE YOUR ONE AND ALL
(Chorus - BRAD and LEAH)
YOU, YOU DON'T KNOW ME
WHAT I REALLY FEEL
YOU, YOU DON'T KNOW ME
WHAT IS TRULY REAL
YOU, YOU DON'T SEE ME
IN BRIGHT SUNSHINE
YOU, YOU DON'T KNOW ME
OR THIS HEART OF MINE
(LEAH)
OR THIS HEART OF MINE
Quiet as they stare in each other’s
eyes.
LEAH
I know one thing.
BRAD
Yes.
LEAH
I feel something.
They kiss intensely. At that
moment, SARAH ENTERS, but does not
reveal herself. The kiss ends and
LEAH takes BRAD by the hand and
they EXIT.
Sarah sits down, wipes away a few
tears. FLOYD ENTERS.
42.
FLOYD
Well, isn’t this a surprise? I didn’t think the good doctor
shrink would be bringing his wife for support.
SARAH
How much?
FLOYD
No small talk?
SARAH
I’m not a fan of small talk.
FLOYD
How about pillow talk?
SARAH
That, too.
FLOYD
Maybe that’s why hubby got tired of you.
SARAH
Maybe.
FLOYD
You’re tough. I like that.
SARAH
Terrific. How much?
FLOYD
Make me an offer I can’t refuse.
SARAH
If my movie references are right, I think that means I’m
supposed to threaten to kill you if you don’t give me what I
want.
FLOYD
Oh, yeah. Well, I meant I want a lot.
SARAH
What’s a lot?
FLOYD
Well, times are rough, and I just operate a small business,
and you’s two are professionals, so I just want you to share
a little, out of respect for all the hard work I put in.
SARAH
You run a sleazy strip joint.
43.
FLOYD
Maybe, but I aspire to be more.
SARAH
More?
FLOYD
To make this a high class strip joint, and then I got some
other business ideas. So, I need capital.
SARAH
Capital?
FLOYD
Money, moolah, so I can grow and prosper. You see, I have
ambition.
SARAH
How much.
FLOYD
A few million.
SARAH
You’re kidding.
FLOYD
Do I look like I’m kidding?
SARAH
You’re crazy.
FLOYD
Ambitious -- and crazy.
SARAH
Some people might call this blackmail.
FLOYD
What people?
SARAH
The police.
FLOYD
They call it extortion.
SARAH
You could go to jail for that.
FLOYD
I’ve been there.
44.
SARAH
And...
FLOYD
It’s not much fun.
SARAH
I imagine not.
FLOYD
Lacks female companionship.
SARAH
Hence, this place. You’ve been making up for lost time.
FLOYD
You’re sharp, a bit of a ball buster, but I like that. I
like pussy, but I don’t like a woman who is too much of a
pussy, if you know what I mean.
SARAH
What you’re saying is you like your pussy to have some balls.
FLOYD
In a manner of speaking.
SARAH
Well, I don’t think I’m your type.
FLOYD
You’d be wrong there.
SARAH
Well, you’re not mine.
FLOYD
You’d be wrong there, too.
SARAH
Oh, please.
FLOYD AND SARAH SING:
(SARAH)
YOU'RE EXTREMELY LEWD
AND RATHER CRUDE
I COULDN'T SEE
YOU BEING WITH ME
45.
(FLOYD)
YOU'RE AN UPTIGHT PRUDE
EASILY UNGLUED
MY KIND OF GIRL
LET'S GIVE IT A WHIRL
(SARAH)
YOU'RE OUT OF YOUR MIND
AND NOT MY KIND
YOU'RE NO CUPID
AND I'M NOT STUPID
(FLOYD)
YOU'RE A WIDE OPEN BOOK
YOU JUST TAKE A LOOK
BETWEEN THE LINES
YOU CAN SEE THE SIGNS
(CHORUS: FLOYD)
OPPOSITES ATTRACT
LIKE MAGNETIC POLES
OPPOSITES ATTRACT
PLAYING DIFFERENT ROLES
OPPOSITES ATTRACT
FILLING OTHER'S HOLES
OPPOSITES ATTRACT
EACH OTHER'S SOULS
(SARAH)
YOU ARE JUST A BRUTE
OUT FOR SOME LOOT
YOU'RE JUST A CON
I WISH YOU'D BE GONE
(FLOYD)
BUSINESS - PLEASURE
IT'S ALL TREASURE
PLAY A SEXY GAME
HE'S DOING THE SAME
(SARAH)
TWO WRONGS MAKE A RIGHT?
FOR SOME IT MIGHT
(FLOYD)
RIGHT'S WRONG -WRONG IS RIGHT
DON'T BE SO UPTIGHT
(SARAH)
THINK YOUR ANIMAL APPEAL
WILL MAKE ME SQUEAL?
I LIKE MY MEN REFINED
SENSITIVE AND KIND
46.
(FLOYD)
YOU NEED TO CHANGE GEARS
YOU ARE BORED TO TEARS
(SARAH)
PICK UP YOUR EARS
(FLOYD)
WE'LL BE SEX PIONEERS
(SARAH)
DON'T COME NEAR
(FLOYD)
WITH NEW SEXUAL FRONTIERS
(SARAH)
PLEASE DISAPPEAR
(FLOYD)
WITH NOTHING TO FEAR
(SARAH)
YOU'RE SO CAVALIER
(FLOYD)
COME OVER HERE
(SARAH)
WITH A SLICK VENEER
(FLOYD)
I’LL BE YOUR KING LEAR
(SARAH)
YOU ARE ONLY THERE
(FLOYD)
I'M SINCERE
(SARAH)
IT'S CRYSTAL CLEAR
(FLOYD)
YES, MY DEAR?
(SARAH)
TO DOMINEER
(FLOYD)
RIGHT!
47.
Floyd grabs Sarah and they kiss.
At first she fights it, but then
starts to like and it gets
passionate for a few moments.
(CHORUS: FLOYD AND SARAH)
OPPOSITES ATTRACT
LIKE MAGNETIC POLES
OPPOSITES ATTRACT
PLAYING DIFFERENT ROLES
OPPOSITES ATTRACT
THE OTHER'S HOLES
OPPOSITES ATTRACT
EACH OTHER'S SOULS
OPPOSITES ATTRACT
LIKE MAGNETIC POLES
OPPOSITES ATTRACT
PLAYING DIFFERENT ROLES
OPPOSITES ATTRACT
THE OTHER'S HOLES
OPPOSITES ATTRACT
EACH OTHER'S SOULS
They kiss again with animal
passion.
FLOYD
I knew there was a wild woman in there.
SARAH
Just waiting to come out to fix me.
FLOYD
Fix me?
SARAH
You need a lot of fixing.
FLOYD
If you say so.
SARAH
One thing.
FLOYD
What?
SARAH
Can I call you Daddy?
48.
FLOYD
And what should I call you?
SARAH
Mother, of course.
FLOYD
Let me show you to my private office, mother.
Sarah and Floyd EXIT.
A moment later Omeika ENTERS, looks
around.
OMEIKA
Hello, is anybody here? Sarah? Brad?
Kayla ENTERS.
KAYLA
All alone and lonely.
OMEIKA
Alone anyway, for the moment.
KAYLA
And lonely?
OMEIKA
I don’t have enough time to be lonely.
KAYLA
Oh, but when you’re busy, that’s when you feel most alone...
that is if you’re lonely. You have beautiful skin.
OMEIKA
Thank you.
KAYLA
And a sexy figure.
OMEIKA
Isn’t that something for a man to say to a woman.
KAYLA
Only if you want to be a man...saying it to a woman.
OMEIKA
Do you think I’m gay?
KAYLA
A woman of Lesbos. I hate the word gay. It’s supposed to
mean happy, but most gay people I know are miserable.
49.
OMEIKA
You must not know many gays.
KAYLA
Maybe just the sad ones, like you.
Omeika is taken aback at Kayla’s
forwardness.
OMEIKA
Do you know who I am?
KAYLA
I was just about to ask your name.
Omeika removes her sunglasses and
wig.
OMEIKA
Now do you recognize me?
KAYLA
From the lesbo bar on third? You know, Gertrude’s Stein?
OMEIKA
No. Don’t you watch TV?
KAYLA
Not too much, I like to read and paint.
OMEIKA
You’re a painter?
KAYLA
Oh, yes...mostly female nudes - my style is like Picasso
meets Dali with a touch of Monet.
OMEIKA
I’m Omeika Carter. The most famous woman in America?
A genuine look of recognition comes
over Kayla’s face.
KAYLA
Oh, my chihuahua! That’s who you look like!
OMEIKA
That’s who I am!
KAYLA
What are you doing here?
OMEIKA
It’s a long story.
50.
KAYLA
Well, I’m very sorry to bother you.
She starts to leave.
OMEIKA
So, you were really attracted to me?
KAYLA
Oh, yes.
OMEIKA
It’s hard for me to believe.
KAYLA
Why?
OMEIKA
Most people want something from me.
Kayla approaches her seductively.
KAYLA
I just want to get you into bed.
OMEIKA
Is that what you want?
KAYLA
Yes, your highness.
OMEIKA
I’m nobody’s highness. I’m the people’s voice, not above
them, not below them -- but with them.
KAYLA
That’s a big responsibility.
OMEIKA
Yes, it is.
KAYLA
To have all by yourself.
OMEIKA
Yes.
KAYLA
All alone.
Omeika takes in what she means.
OMEIKA
Touche’.
51.
KAYLA
You know you don’t have to be alone.
OMEIKA
I have to protect myself, so I can protect others.
KAYLA
But who’s there to protect you?
OMEIKA
Just me.
KAYLA
Alone again, by yourself, protecting yourself.
OMEIKA
If I’m going to open up, I need to know that I can trust that
person, that they’re not just trying to use me. I need to
know that.
KAYLA
Don’t your instincts tell you?
OMEIKA
Instincts can lie. You can mistake instinct for desire. I
might like chocolate, and say my instincts tell me to have
some, but I know it’s just a desire for something sweet.
KAYLA
I know some sweet chocolate I’d like to eat.
OMEIKA
I bet you would.
Kayla sensually touches Omeika’s
face. At first, Omeika lets her,
and then gently takes her hand
away, and then a few steps back.
KAYLA
I can tell when there’s spark.
OMEIKA
I like men.
KAYLA
So do I. Just not as much as women.
OMEIKA AND KAYLA SING:
52.
(KAYLA)
LOVE IS FUNNY
DOESN'T MAKE MUCH SENSE
BUT WHEN IT'S THERE
ALWAYS KEEPS YOU IN SUSPENSE
SOMETIMES A GIRL LOVES A BOY
SOMETIMES A BOY LOVES A GIRL
SOMETIMES LOVE’S TOPSY TURVY
IT'S A GIRL AND A GIRL IN A SPIRALING WHIRL
(OMEIKA)
LOVE IS FUNNY
DOESN'T MAKE MUCH SENSE
BUT WHEN IT'S THERE
THERE’S NEVER ANY PRETENSE
SOMETIMES A GIRL SEARCHES FOR LOVE
AND SOMETIMES THE LOVE IS A PEARL
HIDDEN AWAY IN A SHELL
IT’S A SPIRALING WHIRL FOR A GIRL AND A
GIRL
(CHORUS; OMEIKA AND KAYLA)
LOVE IS FUNNY
DON'T YOU KNOW
LOVE IS FUNNY
IF YOU LET IT GROW
BECAUSE WHAT YOU'LL FIND
IS A LOVE THAT DOESN'T MIND
AS LONG AS I AM YOURS AND YOU ARE MINE
(KAYLA)
LOVE IS FUNNY
IT DOESN'T MAKE MUCH SENSE
BUT WHEN IT'S THERE
THE FEELING IS SO INTENSE
(OMEIKA)
SOMETIMES A GIRL HIDES HER HEART
AND SOMETIMES IT'S LOST IN A SWIRL
HIDDEN AWAY FROM THE CRUEL WORLD
IT’S A SPIRALING WHIRL FOR A GIRL AND A
GIRL
53.
(BRIDGE)
(KAYLA)
LOVE IS FUNNY
(OMEIKA)
DOESN'T MAKE MUCH SENSE
(KAYLA)
BUT WHEN IT'S THERE
(OMEIKA)
THERE’S REALLY NO DEFENSE
(KAYLA)
SOMETIMES THERE'S A SHINING LIGHT
(OMEIKA)
IN THE FACE OF A LONELY GIRL
(KAYLA)
HIDING THE LOVE DEEP INSIDE
(OMEIKA AND KAYLA)
IT’S A SPIRALING WHIRL FOR A GIRL AND A
GIRL
(CHORUS; OMEIKA AND KAYLA)
LOVE IS FUNNY
DON'T YOU KNOW
LOVE IS FUNNY
IF YOU LET IT GROW
BECAUSE WHAT YOU'LL FIND
IS A LOVE THAT DOESN'T MIND
AS LONG AS I AM YOURS AND YOU ARE MINE
I AM YOURS AND YOU ARE MINE
Omeika and Kayla kiss, and Floyd is
standing to the side, once again
taking pictures.
BLACK OUT.
SCENE 3 - SARAH AND BRAD’S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
Omeika, Brad and Sarah sit around
the couch passing photographs to
each other, the ones that show all
of them in various stages of
lovemaking: Brad and Leah; Sarah
and Floyd; Omeika and Kayla. The
pictures are projected so the
audience can see them also.
BRAD, SARAH and OMEIKA SING:
WE'VE GOT A PROBLEM (Reprise)
54.
WE'VE GOT A PROBLEM
A DANGEROUS CHAIN REACTION
WE'VE GOT A PROBLEM
CAUSED BY A MAGNETIC ATTRACTION
WE'VE GOT A PROBLEM
FROM SOME KINKY INTERACTIONS
WE'VE GOT A PROBLEM
THAT SEEMS QUITE EXTREME
WE'VE GOT A PROBLEM
THAT COULD SHATTER OUR DREAM
WE'VE GOT A PROBLEM
WE NEED A NEW SCHEME
They all take a moment to gather
their thoughts, then...
OMEIKA
I can’t believe that little turd of a man would try and pull
something like this. It was one thing to take pictures of
you--
She motions to Brad.
OMEIKA (CONT’D)
Or you--
She motions to Sarah.
OMEIKA (CONT’D)
But me! How dare he! I have secrets to protect!
BRAD
Yes, it would seem so.
OMEIKA
What is that supposed to mean?
BRAD
Well, I didn’t know -- I mean there had been rumors for
years, but you always denied it, so--
OMEIKA
So, my private life should become public information.
BRAD
No disrespect, but it’s kind of what you do for a living.
OMEIKA
Disrespect taken!
55.
SARAH
Omeika, look, Brad is a putz, we all agree. But he has a
point. You expect everyone else to spill out their most
intimate life details, and yours is a complete mystery.
OMEIKA
I dated Lewis for ten years. I still date him occasionally.
You see it in the tabloids.
Both Sarah and Brad give her
skeptical looks.
OMEIKA (CONT’D)
Okay, I’m a lesbian. Happy?
BRAD
Are you?
OMEIKA
Of course, I’m happy. I’m Omeika.
SARAH
Just because you’re you, doesn’t make you, you -- if you know
what I mean.
OMEIKA
No, I don’t know what you mean.
SARAH
Are you happy hiding?
BRAD
And not being completely open?
SARAH
And not being your true self.
BRAD
Holding back your feelings.
SARAH
Afraid of being you?
BRAD
Afraid of being Omeika?
SARAH
The real Omeika?
Omeika takes in their questions,
thinks long and hard.
56.
OMEIKA
YES! I hate it. I’ve hated it for years. And you know
what. Now, I don’t have a choice. And, I’m glad. I’m glad
I don’t have a choice. I’m really glad. You know why?!
BRAD & SARAH
Why?
OMEIKA SINGS:
I'M COMING OUT
I'M COMING OUT
TIME TO SING AND TIME TO SHOUT
LET THERE BE NO REAL DOUBT
LORDY, LORDY, LORDY, I'M A COMING OUT
LIVING A LIFE OF LIES
IS A PAINFUL COMPROMISE
YOU FEEL OUT OF TUNE
FOR FAME AND FORTUNE
SO, I'M COMING OUT
I'M COMING OUT
YES, I’M SO DEVOUT
MY GOD, SHE IS ALL ABOUT
GREAT GOD ALMIGHTY, I'M A COMING OUT
MAKING UP ALIBIS
WHY YOU'RE NEVER WITH GUYS
YOU'RE GOING INSANE
YOU’RE HIDING ALL THE PAIN
SO I'M COMING OUT
I'M COMING OUT
NO TIME TO CRY - NO TIME TO POUT
YOU KNOW I'M NO GIRL SCOUT
LORDY, LORDY, LORDY, I'M A COMING OUT
(BRIDGE)
WHEN YOU'RE IN THE CLOSET
PEOPLE SEE A GRAND FACADE
YOU'RE LIFE IS ON DEPOSIT
YOU ALWAYS FEELING ODD
I'M COMING OUT
YES, I'M COMING OUT
THIS IS WHAT IT’S ALL ABOUT
LOVE YOU CAN'T DO WITHOUT
LORDY, LORDY, LORDY, I'M A COMING OUT
57.
I'M COMING OUT
I'M COMING OUT
TIME TO SING AND TIME TO SHOUT
LET THERE BE NO REAL DOUBT
GREAT GOD ALMIGHTY, I'M A COMING OUT
OMEIKA
And I think it’s time for Floyd to come out, too. Just in a
different way.
BLACK OUT.
SCENE 4 - SARAH AND BRAD’S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT
Omeika peers out the window, alone
in the room. Sound of a car
pulling up, then a car door opening
and closing. A moment later, she
opens the door and Floyd ENTERS.
OMEIKA
Thank you for coming, Floyd.
FLOYD
How could I refuse the great Omeika? Where’s Brad and Sarah?
OMEIKA
They’ll be here soon. I wanted to talk to you myself, first.
FLOYD
Sure thing.
OMEIKA
Can I get you a drink?
She goes over the bar.
FLOYD
I’ll have what you’re having.
OMEIKA
You may not like what I’m having.
FLOYD
I like surprises.
OMEIKA
Funny, I don’t.
She drops some ice in two glasses
and pours some booze.
58.
FLOYD
Surprise is the spice of life.
OMEIKA
The expression is, “variety is the spice of life”.
FLOYD
I like variety, too. I don’t think there’s an ethnic group I
haven’t had sex with, female that is. Black, white, Mexican,
Chinese, even did an aborigine once while I was in Australia.
OMEIKA
T-M-I.
FLOYD
What’s that?
OMEIKA
Too much information.
FLOYD
It’s only too much if you’re hiding something.
OMEIKA
And I’m not.
FLOYD
If you say so.
OMEIKA
Why are you doing this?
FLOYD
What?
OMEIKA
Blackmail. Extortion.
FLOYD
Now, I wouldn’t go there.
OMEIKA
You have much more to lose, Floyd.
FLOYD
Like what?
OMEIKA
Like your freedom.
FLOYD
I’m not asking you for anything. Taking pictures is
everyone’s American right.
(MORE)
59.
And who I sell them to, is my right, and legal. Legal. I
figure the tabloids will give me a fortune for these.
OMEIKA
So, it’s all about the money. What made you this way, Floyd?
FLOYD
You trying to shrink me?
OMEIKA
I’m just trying to understand.
FLOYD SINGS:
WHEN YOU SEE AN OPPORTUNITY
TO GET AHEAD
YOU GOTTA GRAB IT
YOU GROW UP ON THE STREET
NEVER ENOUGH TO EAT
YOU LEARN NOT TO ASK WHY
YOU LEARN HOW TO GET BY
WHEN YOUR OLD MAN HAS LEFT AND GONE
YOUR OLD LADY IS JUST STONED
YOU LEARN NOT TO ASK WHY
YOU JUST LEARN HOW TO LIE
(CHORUS)
TO SURVIVE YOU GOTTA FIND AN ANGLE
SOMETHING YOU KNOW YOU CAN HANDLE
YOU GOTTA TAKE WHAT YOU CAN GET
AND GET WHAT YOU CAN TAKE
TO SURVIVE YOU GOTTA FIND AN ANGLE
SOMETHING YOU KNOW YOU CAN HANDLE
YOU GOTTA TAKE WHAT YOU CAN GET
AND GET WHAT YOU CAN TAKE
(BRIDGE)
CAUSE IN LIFE
YOU GOT SADNESS AND STRIFE
WHO’S TO SAY WHAT’S WRONG
WHAT’S RIGHT
WHEN YOU SEE THE RICH MAN
WITH HIS MONEYED TAN
YOU LEARN NOT TO ASK WHY
YOU JUST WANT A PIECE OF THE GUY
FLOYD (CONT'D)
60.
WHEN YOU SEE AN OPPORTUNITY
IT BECOMES A SOLEMN DUTY
YOU KNOW NOT TO ASK WHY
GET WHAT YOU NEED OR DIE
TO SURVIVE YOU GOTTA FIND AN ANGLE
SOMETHING YOU KNOW YOU CAN HANDLE
YOU GOTTA TAKE WHAT YOU CAN GET
GET WHAT YOU CAN TAKE
TO SURVIVE YOU GOTTA HAVE AN ANGLE
SOMETHING YOU KNOW YOU CAN HANDLE
YOU GOTTA TAKE WHAT YOU CAN GET
GET WHAT YOU CAN TAKE
As the song finishes, Brad, Sarah,
Leah and Kayla ENTER. They’ve been
listening. Floyd is surprised to
see them all, smirks.
Omeika stands silently for a
moment, then goes over to Floyd and
wraps her arms around him. Floyd
doesn’t quite know what to make of
this.
OMEIKA (CONT’D)
That is so sad. I’ve never heard anything like that...well,
actually, that kind of story is all I ever hear. But, I
didn’t realize that you were in so much pain.
FLOYD
I’m over it.
OMEIKA
If that were the case, you wouldn’t be such a supreme
sleazeball, slimy snake and jackass jerk.
FLOYD
Now, that’s not very nice.
OMEIKA
And neither are you.
(to Sarah)
I don’t know what you see in this clown.
SARAH
I don’t know either.
FLOYD
Now don’t be that way, Sarah. You and me got something
special.
61.
SARAH
Then stop what you’re doing.
FLOYD
I’m not doing anything. I’m just being entrepreneurial.
SARAH
If you love me--
FLOYD
Whenever women want something, that’s the line. “If you love
me--”
SARAH
It’s because it means something. It means that your feelings
are not more important than someone else’s. It means that
the world doesn’t revolve around you.
FLOYD
You heard me before. I paid a price growing up, now I want
to be repaid.
(SARAH)
EVERYONE'S GOT PAIN
PSYCHIC WOUNDS OF FEAR AND SHAME
NO MATTER WHO YOU ARE
NO MATTER WHAT'S YOUR NAME
(BRAD)
EVERYONE'S GOT PAIN
THERE IS NO PERFECT CHILDHOOD
ALWAYS SADNESS AND HURT
AS WE'RE MISUNDERSTOOD
(FLOYD)
YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT'S PAIN
MY OLD LADY WAS A WHORE
MY OLD MAN NEVER THERE
THAT'S NOT MUCH TO LIVE FOR
(KAYLA)
WANT TO KNOW 'BOUT PAIN
MI PADRE WAS A GAMBLER
MAMA DIED A PAUPER
HE WAS SUCH A LOSER
(LEAH)
I CAN TELL YOU PAIN
MY SISTER USED TO BEAT ME
MY MOTHER DIDN'T CARE
THEY USE TO LAUGH AT ME
62.
(CHORUS; (EXCEPT FLOYD)
EVERYONE'S GOT PAIN
SOME MORE THAN OTHERS
CONSTANT POURING RAIN
FOR ALL SISTERS AND BROTHERS
EVERYONE'S GOT PAIN
YOU FEEL OUT OF TOUCH
DRIVING YOU INSANE
FOR SOME IT'S WAY TOO MUCH
(BRIDGE-OMEIKA)
BUT YOU MAKE A CHOICE
TO FIGHT AND SURVIVE
OR LIE DOWN AND DIE
WHEN I WAS RAPED
I MADE A SAD CHOICE
AND I CHOSE TO LIE
BUT INSIDE I KNEW
IF I WANTED LIFE
I HAD TO ASK WHY
SO YOU HAVE TO CHOOSE
TO BE HAPPY OR SAD
YOU HAVE TO DECIDE
TO BE GOOD OR BE BAD
YOU MAY BE LUCKY OR NOT
YOU MAY SUFFER MORE THAN MOST
BUT WHAT YOU CREATE IN THE WORLD
IS ALL YOU ARE IN THE END
(SARAH: BRIDGE, CONT’D)
SO, FLOYD PLEASE HEAR WHAT I SAY
I KNOW YOU HAD A RAW DEAL
THE BEST THING THAT YOU CAN BE
IS ANOTHER'S TRULY, TRUE FRIEND
(FLOYD)
SO, I GOT SOME PAIN
IT'S NOT SUCH A FRIGGING DEAL
I TAKE WHAT I DESIRE
SO, I TAKE WHAT I FEEL
(LEAH)
YEAH, YOU GOT YOUR PAIN
USE IT AS AN EXCUSE
TO BE A SELFISH PIG
TO DISH OUT YOUR ABUSE
(FLOYD)
YOU KNOW YOU'RE A PAIN
I TREATED YOU GIRLS ALL RIGHT
I TREATED YOU OKAY
SORRY I'M NOT POLITE
63.
(SARAH)
I CAN FORGIVE PAIN
I CANNOT FORGIVE YOUR LIES
OPPOSITES CAN FIND LOVE
BUT WITHOUT TRUTH LOVE DIES
(CHORUS: EVERYONE BUT FLOYD)
YES, EVERYONE'S GOT PAIN
SOME MORE THAN OTHERS
CONSTANT POURING RAIN
FOR ALL FRIENDS AND LOVERS
YES, EVERYONE'S GOT PAIN
YOU MUST OVERCOME
SOMETHING TO CONTAIN
SO LIFE CAN BE AWESOME
(BRAD - SPOKEN)
YOU WANT TO KNOW PAIN
I WAS A NERD
I WAS AN OUTCAST
THE KIDS TEASED ME
I WAS BULLIED
I NEVER HAD A GIRLFRIEND
(SARAH - SPOKEN)
AND I NEVER HAD A BOYFRIEND
I WAS THE FAT GIRL WITH ZITS
I WASN'T COOL
I WASN'T HIP
AND I WAS THE MIDDLE CHILD
There is a beat as everyone
realizes that they’re trying to
outdo each other, and it’s looking
pretty absurd.
(CHORUS: EVERYONE BUT FLOYD)
YES, EVERYONE'S GOT PAIN
SOME MORE THAN OTHERS
CONSTANT POURING RAIN
FOR ALL FRIENDS AND LOVERS
YES, EVERYONE'S GOT PAIN
YOU MUST OVERCOME
SOMETHING TO CONTAIN
SO LIFE CAN BE AWESOME
YES, EVERYONE'S GOT PAIN
SOME MORE THAN OTHERS
CONSTANT POURING RAIN
FOR ALL FRIENDS AND LOVERS
EVERYONE'S GOT PAIN
YOU MUST OVERCOME
SOMETHING TO CONTAIN
EVERYONE’S GOT PAIN
64.
As the last chorus is sung Leah,
Kayla, and Omeika get in Floyd’s
face, surrounding him.
FLOYD (CONT’D)
Yeah, well maybe that’s true but--
KAYLA
There’s no buts, mister.
LEAH
Floyd, you know it’s true.
OMEIKA
And I have something to talk to you all about.
Omeika looks back over at Brad and
Sarah.
FLOYD
What?
OMEIKA
Let’s do it outside.
FLOYD
I got nothing to say.
But Floyd is over matched and the
three woman push him out the front
door, the arguing continuing.
Brad and Sarah take a moment, then
laugh for a bit.
BRAD
It’s hard to believe it’s come down to all this.
SARAH
Yes, it is rather...
BRAD
Bizarre.
SARAH
“Crazy” was the word I had in mind.
Silence.
BRAD
I’m sorry, Sarah. You deserved better.
65.
SARAH
I did -- and so did you.
(BEAT)
Do you love her?
BRAD
Leah? Yes, I do. Whether or not it lasts, well... I think
that to paraphrase Groucho Marx, I don’t want to be with
anyone who will have me. We’ll see.
SARAH
Yeah.
BRAD
And you and Floyd?
SARAH
Floyd is a work in progress. He needs a lot fixing.
BRAD
That’s what you tried to do with me.
SARAH
Ouch.
BRAD
Sorry.
SARAH
He is exciting, though. So, so unpredictable.
BRAD
Was that our problem? We bored each other to death?
SARAH
Something like that.
BRAD
You know, there’s an expression in sports, that a team is
great on paper. They got the best players, but together they
can’t win. We were like that, so much in common, so good at
what we did with patients...
SARAH
I like working with you. I just didn’t like living with you.
BRAD
Right. Do you think we can do this thing Omeika wants to do?
SARAH
Why not? Omeika is the Queen of TV.
BRAD
I mean, can we do it? Work together.
66.
SARAH
Only if we can forgive each other.
BRAD
That’s the hardest thing, isn’t it.
(BRAD)
I'M SORRY FOR ALL I'VE DONE
TO CAUSE SADNESS AND SORROW
I'M SORRY FOR THE LIES I TOLD
FOR BEING SHALLOW
(SARAH)
I'M SORRY FOR THE WORDS
THAT BURNED YOU LIKE A HOT COAL
I'M SORRY FOR ALL I SAID
THAT SINGED YOUR VERY SOUL
(BRAD)
I ALWAYS THOUGHT IT WOULD WORK
WE HAD SO MUCH IN COMMON
THEN WE DRIFTED APART
PASSION WAS HARD TO SUMMON
(SARAH)
WE WROTE THE BOOKS TOGETHER
DIDN'T FOLLOW OUR OWN ADVICE
I AM SORRY WE BOTH CHOSE
TO PUT OUR FEELINGS ON ICE
(CHORUS; BOTH)
WE LOVED EACH OTHER ONCE
AND I LOVE YOU STILL
BUT THIS HAS TO END
STILL, I WANT YOU IN MY LIFE
WE'RE BETTER, WE'RE BETTER, WE'RE BETTER,
WE’RE BETTER, WE'RE BETTER OFF AS FRIENDS
(BRIDGE; BOTH)
LOVERS IN AN AWKWARD DANCE
MOVE AS ONE
BUT WHEN THE MUSIC FADES
SO DO OUR SAD CHARADES
67.
(CHORUS; BOTH)
WE LOVED EACH OTHER ONCE
AND I LOVE YOU STILL
BUT THIS HAS TO END
STILL, I WANT YOU IN MY LIFE
WE'RE BETTER, WE'RE BETTER, WE'RE BETTER,
WE’RE BETTER, WE'RE BETTER OFF AS FRIENDS
WE'RE BETTER, WE'RE BETTER, WE'RE BETTER,
WE’RE BETTER, WE'RE BETTER OFF JUST FRIENDS
They embrace warmly, take a moment
and look into each others eyes.
They have a quick kiss, not
romantic, but sweet...as friends...
and part as Omeika, Leah, Kayla and
Floyd re-enter.
FLOYD
So if I do this thing, how do I know it’ll work?
OMEIKA
Because I’m producing it, and I will be in it.
FLOYD
Yeah. I think I could make a lot more money if I just sell
the pictures.
OMEIKA
Maybe. Maybe you’ll be causing yourself a lot of unneeded
trouble, and missing a great opportunity.
SARAH
And there’s another thing you’re forgetting.
FLOYD
What’s that?
SARAH
If you continue with your ugly behavior, then I am done with
you. Is that what you want?
FLOYD
I want my cake and eat it, too. I want you, and I want the
money.
SARAH
Do you also want to go to jail?
FLOYD
(Thinks)
Not particularly. But I want money and love.
68.
SARAH
If you’re in love, you can never have both.
With love there’s always sacrifice.
FLOYD
That doesn’t say much about love.
SARAH
Then you don’t understand what it is.
LEAH
That’s right, Floyd. There’s got to be both sides in love.
One sided love isn’t love; it’s one person using the other.
BRAD
I’m the last person to want to get in the middle of the spat
you’re having with my wife, but she’s right.
FLOYD
Well, it didn’t work for you.
BRAD
That doesn’t mean I don’t know what love is.
FLOYD
And what is it?
KAYLA
Not being a selfish pig, like you.
FLOYD
You’re fired.
KAYLA
I already quit.
BRAD
Love means feeling secure when you’re most insecure.
SARAH
Love means opposites attract, and you don’t repel each other.
LEAH
Love means having something in common when you least expect
it.
She smiles at Brad.
KAYLA
It means you find a good woman, who is as strong as you are.
Kayla smiles at Omeika.
69.
FLOYD
Yeah, well, I’ve never seen any of that.
OMEIKA
And that’s the problem.
FLOYD
What?
OMEIKA
You’ve never seen love. You’ve wanted to, been desperate to,
see it, feel it, but you haven’t been able to -- so far.
OMEIKA SINGS:
I'VE SEEN A YOUNG BOY'S HOPES CRUSHED
BY A MOTHER'S CRUEL REMARK
I'VE SEEN A WIFE TERRIFIED
OF HER HUSBAND'S RAGE AND BARK
I'VE SEEN A HUSBAND BETRAYED
BY A WIFE WHO KNOWS NO SHAME
I'VE SEEN MY STEPFATHER IN MY ROOM
MY LIFE WAS NEVER THE SAME
THEY SAY THAT ALL THERE IS, IS LOVE
AND I THINK THAT IS TRUE
NEVER SEEN ANYTHING PAINFUL AS LOVE
IT'S SO SAD WHAT LOVE CAN DO
I'VE SEEN A CHILD BORN WITHOUT LEGS
AND YET A MOTHER'S DEVOTION
I'VE SEEN A STARVING BROTHER
GIVE HIS SISTER HIS PORTION
I'VE SEEN PARENTS LOSE THEIR BOY
FOR NO RHYME OR REASON
I'VE SEEN MY MOTHER DRINKING
AS SHE FIGHTS TO GO ON
THEY SAY THAT ALL THERE IS, IS LOVE
AND I THINK THAT IS TRUE
NEVER SEEN ANYTHING DIFFICULT AS LOVE
IT'S AMAZING WHAT LOVE CAN DO
70.
(BRIDGE)
I'VE SEEN A LOT, MISSED VERY LITTLE
WHAT I'VE MISSED YOU COULD BELITTLE
BUT I'VE SEEN ENOUGH TO KNOW THE WORLD
TO KNOW WHAT MUST UNFURL
IS THAT THERE IS NOTHING BUT LOVE
LOVE IS ALL, ALL IS LOVE
ALL CREATED BY GOD ABOVE,
THERE IS NOTHING BUT LOVE
I'VE SEEN A LOVER’S PASSION
GO CRAZY AND WILD
I'VE SEEN A HUSBAND AND WIFE
CHERISH THEIR NEWBORN CHILD
I'VE SEEN A COUPLE LAUGHING
AFTER FIFTY YEARS TOGETHER
I'VE SEEN MY OWN HEART HEALED
A KISS THAT MADE IT BETTER
THEY SAY THAT ALL THERE IS, IS LOVE
AND I THINK THAT IS TRUE
NEVER SEEN ANYTHING POWERFUL AS LOVE
IT'S BEAUTIFUL WHAT LOVE CAN DO
IT'S BEAUTIFUL WHAT LOVE CAN DO
Floyd stares at Omeika for a
moment, and then starts sobbing,
but in an absurd, comical way.
FLOYD
That’s the most saddest most beautiful thing I ever heard.
OMEIKA
Thank you.
Floyd composes himself. He was
clearly moved.
FLOYD
I don’t believe a word of it. But you convinced me to accept
your offer, anyway.
He extends his hand to shake
Omeika’s.
OMEIKA
How?
FLOYD
You have to be an idiot to try and screw you. You got enough
juice to get have me whacked by the CIA.
71.
Omeika smiles, shakes his hand.
BLACKOUT.
SCENE 5 - SARAH AND BRAD’S LIVING ROOM - DAY
The couches are now placed in the
middle of the living room and
everyone is sitting, Omeika in the
center. The overhead screen shows
the scene as it takes place as if
this is all for television.
OMEIKA
I am so excited to be introducing to America and the world my
newest show, Loving Lovers Loving Love. To start with, you
will be following three couples, Brad and Leah, Floyd and
Sarah, and me and my new wife, Kayla.
Omeika and Kayla kiss.
OMEIKA (CONT’D)
Now most of you remember Brad and Sarah Morton from my
previous shows. Well, as you can see Brad and Sarah are no
longer a couple, but will continue to work together. Brad?
BRAD
Yes, Brad and Sarah and I will continue to counsel couples of
all sorts, bi, gay and straight on making relationships work.
OMEIKA
But you and Sarah couldn’t make your own relationship work.
BRAD
Well, yes and no.
OMEIKA
You’re equivocating, Brad.
BRAD
I’m being honest, Omeika. Ever since we stopped living
together, Sarah and I get along much better.
SARAH
We’re better as friends--
OMEIKA
Than lovers?
SARAH
Yes. Sometimes, well, just because you have a lot in common,
doesn’t mean you should be married.
72.
OMEIKA
But you can work together?
BRAD
It’s sort of like a husband and wife singing duo. You make
great music together, and you just don’t want to give up that
creativity.
OMEIKA
You’re saying being a therapist is creative?
SARAH
There is nothing more creative than helping two people who
are in love, stay in love.
BRAD
Provided they want to.
OMEIKA
Speaking of being in love, you have a new person in you life,
don’t you Brad?
BRAD
This is Leah.
OMEIKA
Tell us about yourself, Leah.
LEAH
I’m studying to be a psychologist.
OMEIKA
Well, Brad, it seems that you did find someone you had
something common with.
Brad smiles.
LEAH
Oh, I’m not interested in family counseling and couples
therapy. I want to do sex therapy. Our psychosexual natures
are so primitive and raw, yet we are so repressed by the
taboos of society and our lousy childhoods and what is
expected of us. I think sex is a truly underrated form of
communication.
FLOYD
You can say that again.
OMEIKA
And this is Sarah’s new beau, Floyd. Hi Floyd.
FLOYD
Hello, hello.
73.
OMEIKA
Now Floyd, you’re a businessman.
FLOYD
The entertainment business.
OMEIKA
What kind of entertainment?
FLOYD
Pretty, naked ladies.
OMEIKA
You ran a strip club, that previously employed Leah and
Kayla.
FLOYD
That’s right.
OMEIKA
And that’s where we all met.
FLOYD
Yep.
OMEIKA
But now you’ve sold your club.
FLOYD
Well, you and Sarah said--
OMEIKA
(cutting him off)
Right. So what are you doing now?
FLOYD
Well, Sarah here said I should use my business savvy.
OMEIKA
And do you have some ideas?
FLOYD
I got this health drink, powerful stuff. Cures just about
everything. It’s multi-level marketing. I like a business
where everyone else does the work and you get most of the
money.
Sarah is beaming.
SARAH
I’m very proud of Floyd. He has ideas I would never dream
of.
74.
OMEIKA
I can imagine.
SARAH
Plus, he’s an amazing lover.
FLOYD
That I am.
BRAD
(Competitively)
And so is Leah.
LEAH
(Competitively)
And so is Brad.
OMEIKA
Yes, and that is great.
(Beat)
And Kayla, what are you plans?
KAYLA
I’m studying fashion. I want to create my own line of
lingerie that is so sensual, you are always ready to make
love. I’m calling it Arousal-Wear.
OMEIKA
And I want to be the first to try it on.
KAYLA
Oh, you will be.
They kiss sweetly.
OMEIKA
And to you, the viewers, we may seem like unlikely couples,
but throughout this season, you’re going to find out how we
all ended up with each other, and it’s an incredible story.
You’re going to follow the lives of Kayla and me, Brad and
Leah, and Sarah and Floyd. You’re going to watch as Brad and
Sarah work together helping all sorts of couples. This show
will put the real back into reality television. You will
love Loving Lovers Loving Love because no matter how low you
are, how tough things may seem, there’s a person out there
for you, somebody for everybody to love.
EVERYONE SINGS:
75.
(OMEIKA)
YOU MAY THINK YOU'RE ALONE
NOT MUCH OF A LIFE
(BRAD)
YOU FIND YOURSELF HOME
WITH THAT HUSBAND OR WIFE
(SARAH)
WHO DOESN'T SEEM TO UNDERSTAND
DOESN'T SEEM TO CARE
(LEAH)
IT OFTEN JUST SEEMS
THAT LIFE JUST ISN'T FAIR
(KAYLA)
OR YOU MAY NOW BE
JUST ALL BY YOURSELF
(OMEIKA)
WAITING FOR THE ONE
TO COME OFF THE SHELF
(FLOYD)
IT SEEMS LIKE A BAD DREAM
WHERE YOU NEVER WAKE UP
(OMEIKA)
BUT JUST KNOW ONE THING
YOU SHOULD NEVER GIVE UP
(CHORUS; EVERYONE)
COS’ THERE'S SOMEBODY FOR EVERYBODY
THERE'S A PERSON JUST FOR YOU
IT MAY NOT SEEM LIKE IT NOW
BUT THERE'S SOMEONE OUT THERE
TO LOVE JUST YOU
(BRIDGE)
(OMEIKA) (KAYLA)
MIGHT BE A BOY...MIGHT BE A GIRL
(LEAH)
IT'S ALL PERSONAL TASTE
(OMEIKA)
JUST REMEMBER ONE THING
DON'T LET LOVE GO TO WASTE
(SARAH)
DOESN'T MATTER SHORT OR TALL
(KAYLA)
AND RACE SHOULDN'T MATTER AT ALL
(LEAH)
L-B-G-T OR STRAIGHT
(OMEIKA)
YOU JUST DON'T WANT TO BE TOO LATE
76.
(CHORUS; EVERYONE)
COS’ THERE'S SOMEBODY FOR EVERYBODY
THERE'S A PERSON JUST FOR YOU
IT MAY NOT SEEM LIKE IT NOW
BUT THERE'S SOMEONE OUT THERE, TO LOVE JUST
YOU
(CHORUS; EVERYONE)
THERE'S SOMEBODY FOR EVERYBODY
THERE'S A PERSON JUST FOR YOU
IT MAY NOT SEEM LIKE IT NOW
BUT THERE'S SOMEONE OUT THERE
TO LOVE JUST YOU
OH YOU, OH YOU
OH, YEAH THERE'S SOMEBODY FOR EVERYBODY
THERE'S A PERSON JUST FOR YOU
IT MAY NOT SEEM LIKE IT NOW
BUT THERE'S SOMEONE OUT THERE
TO LOVE JUST YOU
OH YOU, AND YOU, AND YOU, AND YOU
OH YEAH, JUST YOU
THE END
77.
